3 of the Stupidest Jokes Ever -- If you answer them, you get a prize!!

Hiya!...To counteract my excessive, painfully drawn-out blog posts from the past few umm...months...[clears throat]...Here's a short and fun one! Truthfully, there is nothing remotely interesting happening in my life, so I thought I would stage a contest:

Answer these 3 incredibly cheesy/silly/funny jokes, and you will get a prize:
(Note: These aren't my original jokes, although I kinda wish they were -- My brother came up with 2 of them, and a cherry Popsicle Stick gave me the other...)

(1: Where does a 3,000 pound gorilla sleep?

(2: What is a sniper's favorite toothpaste?

(3: What is the name of the high ranking military officer that is DIRECTLY mentioned in the Preamble to the Constitution??

Good luck :-)

Central Pennsylvania -- The Scariest Place In the World

Hiya! It's been a while....First off, completely unrelated to the blog, here is a link to a free mp3 download from one of my favorite bands, Silverchair:

Silverchair - Across the Night

OK, now I must recount various vignettes collectively describing the horror and sheer isolation that is Central Pennsylvania.

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(1: Usually, a good indicator of the general activity of a certain area is the amount of variety on the local radio stations. So on my way back from Ohio (I visited my brother in Cleveland, a city that tries hard to be metro, but ends up being more like a slightly more rural/boring version of Central Jersey..I relate to experience to But the squirrels have brown tails and appeared slightly more playful, which was a lot of fun!!!) , there was an accident on I-80, a 2 lane road that cuts through the Central Pa. Mountains. Everything literally came to a dead stop with seemingly no explanation whatsoever.

Was their a horrific automobile accident? Was there a landslide from one of the several cliffs lining the roadside?

Perhaps the long-anticipated Yokel's Rebellion centered in the town of Hog's Feet FINALLY erupted, after years of false alarms!! (the newfound presence of 3-5 teenagers in Hog's Feet apparently enough to drive the townsfolk over the edge, especially after the 97th Annual Hog's Feet Jug Dancing Contest was disrupted by one of these wretched teenagers -- he allegedly held hands with a girl in public!! "The demon and Jezebel shall rot in Hell!" became a popular town rhyme during the tumult. The only casualty during the rebellion was a drunken chicken.)

Anyway, so we're stuck for about 30 minutes, and we didn't even move one inch on the road...So naturally, we figured that perhaps one of the local radio stations might give us some more information. So we flip it on and we turn the dial, and what we subsequently heard was unquestionably the most BORING radio program EVER!!! It appeared to be some sort of news station for the area, and at the time, the man was giving a weather forecast, first for that day, followed by a long range forecast for the week.

For 10 minutes, we listened to this very old sounding man (he must have been 100 years old.......there's no way he couldn't be......there's just.....no....way.....) ...and for all 10 minutes, he prattled on...and on....and on.....-- about just that day's forecast! It was like this:

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"And now......[5 second pause -- nothing but radio silence].......to.......day's..................fore........cast.............................[10 seconds of radio silence]...........to.....day's.................wea.......the........rrrr..........fore.......cast..............calls.......for........
...high...........temp................era..............tures...................ssssss.................[10 seconds of radio silence].......the..........hii......gghhhh.............temp..............era.............tur......[cough]....................[5 seconds of radio silence]...................[cough!]...................[cough!]..................tod...........ay's.............hi.... (a merciful etc...)
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And the scary part is that I'm barely exaggerating......And I'm telling the truth about the fact that for 10 minutes, our antediluvian radio DJ literally was still talking about that day's weather! Both my Dad and I just laughed in a disgusted way and punched the radio dial off.

After about 2 hours, we did start moving again....It turns out that the cause of traffic was that construction workers simply decided to block the road while doing repairs on a parallel road........of course, they worked........very................vvveeerrrrryyy...............sllowwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyy.....

(2: OK, so what about the music on these local radio stations? I mean, I'm sure they didn't have a very wide selection like the good ol' tri-state area does, but at least they have the bare minimum, like classic rock standards, or some good folk music..........I'll even take John Denver for God's sake!! (and I say that while grinding my teeth in the most painful way imaginable) As long as it's something that represents a form of organized noise, functioning to keep my brain in the conscious state while passing through No Man's Land..

What I did hear, was not classic rock, was not folk....it wasn't even the horrors of John Denver......What I heard was POLKA! And you'll never, EVER believe the song I heard......

It was called "Who Stole the Kishka?" . There's no way I could make this up, it's just too stupid to be anything but the truth.

In fact, today, while at work, I remembered the song and looked up the lyrics on Google...and I found them!....So without further delay, here are the lyrics to "Who Stole the Kishka?"

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Someone stole the kishka
Someone stole the kishka
Who stole the kishka,
from the butcher's shop?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone call the cops!

Fat and round and firmly packed
It was hanging on the rack
Someone stole the kishka
When I turned my back
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone bring it back!


Someone stole the kishka
Someone stole the kishka
Who stole the kishka,
from the butcher shop?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone call the cops!


Yusef found the kishka
Yusef found the kishka
Yusef found the kishka
And he hung it on the rack.
He found the kishka
He found the kishka
He found the kishka
Yusef brought it back
Heeeeeyyyyyyyy
Hey!
huh-huh-huh-huh

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(3: My last vignette is a short one -- it's about the diners in that area......So my parents and I were getting hungry, since the drive through Pennsylvania takes between 7-8 hours by car.....When going through Central Pennsylvania, there are gaps of between 40-70 miles between exits of off I-80. So when you come upon an exit with a potential main drag, you really tend to savor it.

So we were starving and we decided, "OK, the next exit we see, we'll go to a diner -- that is, if there is one".......So we reach an exit, and lo and behold! -- We see a sign indicating a diner...This was called "The Twilight Cafe".....We were all very happy, as we savored the mouth-watering delights of a country diner, chock full of scrambled eggs, endless pieces of toast, and a vast resorvoir of maple syrup...mmmmmmm..............I love breakfast food................

We get off on the exit, and get on the main drag.....we don't see a sign for the Twilight Cafe coming down the exit ramp, so we wondered, "Which way do we turn, right or left?...Does anyone see a cafe? Is there ANYTHING around here???"...

We searched up and down the "main drag" for five minutes......Nothing.....Absolutely nothing. Well...there was one possibility, but I always thought that to minimally qualify as a cafe meant boasting a shelter with a reasonably stable architecture, space for parking (not necessarily parking spaces), and an understanding of our present-day monetary system.

Now, it was possible that the scattered propane tanks I saw was indeed the Twilight Cafe, but it was more likely a 3-bedroom apartment for the area.

We were all discouraged.....So we continued driving, hoping that the next exit would provide us with our much needed sustenance. After another 60 miles or so, we finally approached the sign for the next exit, and yes! there was another cafe.....So in the distance, we couldn't quite see the name of the cafe.....we squinted, as we did our collective best to flex our lenses and irises....and when we got close enough at last to read the name of the diner, we saw this:

___________
Food - Exit 68
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Pitstop Cafe
___________

Even though each of us were starving, we continued past the exit without even a sliver of hestitation.

We did manage to catch a glimpse of the Pitstop Cafe as we passed by the exit ramp....It DID exist, so it's one-up on the Twilight Cafe....But from what we could see, it was basically someone's small trailer with the words "Pitstop Cafe" printed on it.......Again, I'm not kidding.


And that, my friends, was JUST A FEW highlights from my scary trip into the frightening Central Pennsylvania wilderness. My advice is to avoid it entirely and watch it from the comfort of your homes in the form of Survivor 10, coming soon to CBS.

I might as well be blunt: Shopping for Women's Panties At Walmart

I consider myself an avid learner, an intrepid personality, someone not afraid to try something new or mingle with others who I know nothing about.....And in the case of last Wednesday night at Walmart, I'm also not afraid to delve headlong into a world of satin stretch panties, tiny pink thongs, and frighteningly gargantuan push-up bras -- even if that means getting some first hand experience along the way.....

No, I SWEAR this isn't a joke....So here's the story: the Beyfuss/Powells had their annual Halloween party, and this year, there was a theme -- Be naughty, and be creative!

So for two weeks, I tossed around various ideas:

(1: The naked/lustful Omar (from the South Plainfield Cafe)
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(2: The Bubble-gum mummy (not necessarily in keeping with the naughty theme, but just a wacky idea -- I was even thinking of buying some sort of cheap sarcophagus and paying 2 people to wheel me into the party, where I would rise in grandiose fashion from my coffin and start doing the watusi, for no apparent reason)
**************************************************************
(3: Jeff -- 100% pure (where I would just show up nude......lol)

So as you can tell, I wasn't quite satisfied with anything that I conjured up.......

But there's something that you should know about ol' Jeff: I think up my craziest/strangest/most creative ideas when (a: I'm in in the shower (b: I'm trying to go to sleep (c: I'm eating dinner with my parents.

Naturally, while eating dinner with my parents at Lone Star, I came to a stunning realization: instead of trying to take on another identity, why not work with my very own identity and alter it in a naughty way??...And that's when I thought of my naughty costume for Brooke's party:

I would be "The best of both worlds"

I started laughing uncontrollably at the table, and my parents asked me, "What's so funny Jeff?"...They wanted to join in the laughing....But I honestly didn't know how they would react to my dangerously lurid costume idea, so I answered, "Oh....just something that my brother told me the other day.............hahahaha!!!!!"...It worked; we all started laughing :-)

So last week, I set out to obtain all my parts of my transexual prostitute outfit. After I purchased some clip-on earrings, fishnet pantyhose, and a sexy wig at the Halloween store, I decided to get a crash-course in women's undergarments (AKA: Trekkie Kryptonite)

(SIDE STORY: While there, I met a girl I dubbed as "Halloween Girl"....she was very pretty and seemed somewhat vivacious AND down-to-earth, a fantastic combination -- but the fundamental problem was that she was a cashier at a seasonal store that would disappear in a week.....umm yeah....I kept buying more stuff during the week so that I could increase the number of 2 minute speaking opportunities I had with her...I talked to her 3 times, and we got along well, but alas, it was not to be....Just as statistics indicate, bars have the lowest percentage of succesful relationship opportunities, Halloween store checkout counters have the 2nd lowest)

So anyway, I went to Walmart...When I entered the store, I felt a bit like Indiana Jones, exploring untamed and dangerous lands...So I first asked myself, "OK....where could I find women's panties in a store this enormous??".....And then, a sign from above revealed itself to me!!!....

What, you mean from God? No, no, not THAT kind of sign!....I saw a big sign in front of me that read, "Women's Intimates"....My destination lay clearly before me...Initially, I had some hesitation about entering that section, but then I realized, "This may be the only time I do this, so I might as well do it with glee!"...and so I did...lol

As I began to search in a semi-confused/half-baked state for panties, bras, and thongs from one rack to the next, I noticed multiple people giving me different kinds of looks....For example, older ladies were looking at me slightly confused with a knitted brow, younger guys/girls were basically laughing at me, and a couple of tough guys with tatoos looked at me with slightly threatening looks....and for a while I enjoyed the attention. I took to my new quest with fervor, as I learned to make fine distinctions between 36D and 38D bra sizes, satin stretch panties and uhhhh...other panties, and more!....Slowly, and without my knowledge, I began to really enjoy panty shopping! I began whispering to myself, "Hey..this one's meshed...and look at that sleek black material!....Wow, my bf..I mean gf would love....that...............ummm..hey! what's that?!!!"

Eventually, I decided on a 38D white push-up bra, a tiny pink thong (which proved to be too tiny -- trying it out was equivalent to some sort of self-applied reverse transexual wedgie.....if ya know what I mean.......(cough)), XL black satin panties, and a black ummm...nighty? Well, it was something that prostitutes wear, I don't know what the hell it was....Hey! From this experience, I realized that perhaps the BEST part about being a guy is our simplified underwear. All we need to worry about is boxers or briefs, and THAT'S IT! (though some guys like to wear only pants, and THAT'S IT!)...I mean, sure, there's white T-shirts, but they're optional and are sometimes used as regular shirts, so I don't even view them as part of the men's undergarment canon.....all of this can be seen in my op/ed column in the Wall Street Journal, of course.

OK, so end of the story -- As more and more people started looking at me and responding in some extreme way, I began to get a little paranoid. So when I was finished, I anxiously started walking out of the Women's Intimates section and towards the checkout line...As I made my frantic journey, I simultaneously looked all around me and thought to myself, "Look, let's just buy this crap and get the hell out, OK?! In and out. Quick and easy."

As soon as I thought this, THE nightmare scenario happened:

I knocked over an entire rack of gray panties, and they ALL fell to the ground. A loud, destructive sound resounded throughout Walmart -- meaning that this could be heard for 2 miles all around me.

At this point, I literally looked like the typical 5 year old kid who's hand was in the cookie jar, and who accidentally knocked over the jar, causing it to crash on the ground, while both of his parents were staring at him. Replace both with 20, and replace parents with conventionally deformed Walmart customers, and there you go. There was no way out of this one -- I had to pick up each panty that I knocked over and put it back on the rack, one at a time.

I did this for 10 minutes, with my enormous bra slung over my right shoulder. I felt like a kinky contractor in a 70's porn flick, it was really, really strange.

I checked out without a problem -- until I dropped all of my credit cards, health insurance cards, frequent drink cards, etc... on the ground....but this lasted only 3 minutes.....Then I nearly ran out of the store...

And that, my bloggites, is my fantastic story. Lots of good came out of this experience: For one thing, I won a prize at Brooke's Halloween costume party, and was thus awarded a naked voodoo doll with an oversized penis. Woohoo! Thanks! Second, I'm now pretty damn good at strapping on/off a bra. And last but not least, these undergarments turned me into a hottie for a night! Maybe the best comment of the night for me was before I left for the party, when I first showed my parents what I looked like. My dad, who is a fairly conservative person, really surprised and delighted me by saying, "You know something Jeff? You're a pretty sexy gal. And you look better than lots of girls that I've seen, trust me!" ROTFL!....Awesome!

Check out pictures of my sexy costume on MySpace!

Jeff's hot costume!

A post that Inspires and Astounds!

Yes! I'm in a exhuberant, almost violently whimsical mood, and being the altruistic individual that I am, I seek to share my joy with others with an amazing story I heard this weekend...OK, it involves baseball, but not to worry -- I'll explain all of the baseball stuff...Besides, it'll be worth hearing all 'dat baseball to get to the part that will Inspire and Astound!

OK, so this weekend, I was watching a baseball playoff game between the Houston Astros and the St. Louis Cardinals. There's a player on the Houston Astros named Roger Clemens, he's one of the greatest pitchers who ever played the game, literally. Now, earlier this year (July/August, not sure), his mother died. This happened about 3 hours before the game for that day, and it just so happened that for this particular game, Roger Clemens was pitching. (He pitches once every 5 days)

Some of her last words were the following: "You guys are going to win today by a score of 10-2...." She said something else after that, but I'll save that for later :-) Stay tuned!

Now for a little background: the Houston Astros at this point were the worst run scoring team in the league. In fact, they averaged not even 3 runs a game during the games in which Clemens pitched. So for Houston to score 10 runs this game seemed EXTREMELY unlikely.

So Clemens called his team up and told them what had happened. He mentioned, "now my mom said that we're going to win 10-2, and you guys haven't scored 10 runs total for me the entire season!"

During the game, a series of unlikely events occurred, such as Clemens getting a hit and driving in 2 of the runs for the Astros (up to that point, he had something like 3 hits and 1 run driven in the whole season), along with a couple of other flukey plays that helped the Astros get some runs.

In the 9th inning, Houston has a 10-1 lead.....with only one out left....the ball is hit, a ball that should easily be handled....but it's botched, and guess what??? A second run scores for the other team...

The final score ended up being 10-2....

OK, now here's what Clemens' mom said after 10-2: "Shoeless Joe Jackson....Shoeless Joe Jackson....Shoeless Joe Jackson..."

Who the hell is Shoeless Joe Jackson, you ask? He was a famous old time baseball player who played before, after and during 1917, and he played for the Chicago White Sox. He is the most famous player who ever played for the White Sox.

Here's the thing -- the Chicago White Sox just a couple of days ago advanced to the World Series and have a chance to win their 1st championship since 1917. And there's even signficance to the fact that the name was said 3 times -- there are 3 playoff series that must be won in order to win a championship. The White Sox have won 2 of the series, and have only one more to go.

And I've watched the 2 series that the White Sox have played....Particularly in the last series, an extraordinary number of freak calls and events have gone IN FAVOR OF the White Sox and in one case, was directly responsible for them winning a game in the series.

Now, sure, this could all be hogwash that a gullible fool such as myself would believe.....Besides, it probably has more to do with the fact that I WANT to believe, right?? Perhaps....But I have a feeling that I know the White Sox are going to win the world series....In fact, if I was a betting man, I would put down 10000 dollars right now on the White Sox, no questions asked. I think this is real, I don't know what it means, or what the ramifications are......But it's something that I find EXTREMELY INSPIRING and capable of restoring faith in things like higher powers and the afterlife....So I REALLY hope that the White Sox win now..lol...my faith might very well be on the line..

And that is my oddly wonderful story :-)

Classic Conversations With my Brothers, Part 1: Starring Dave and Jeff Partyka! (insert 80's sitcom programmed audience HERE)

Hola!

As you may know, my brothers Dave and Chris have been sojourning at my house for the month of September..Today's blog focuses on Dave, while the next will focus on Chris...As Dave celebrated 6 of the most mentally grueling and emotional arduous years of life by watching WAY too many movies and eating WAY too much pizza in suburban central NJ, I had slowly come to realize something extremely enlightening...

What I had forgotten about during those 6 years when he was at school was just HOW COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS AND FRIGHTENINGLY ZANY most of our conversations truly are. In fact, this is the percentage breakdown of the content of our conversations:

(1: Zany out of control humor that expends a tremendous amount of cognitive energy, causes minimal destruction and loss of life around us, and serves absolutely ZERO practical value: 73.5%

(2: Serious, academic topics like sociology (macro AND micro), particle physics, long term trends in technology and business, and the occasional abstract math idea thrown into the mix: 13.1%

(3: Emotional Consolation and Personal Recovery Time Required After Engaging in #2 above (sometimes accompanied by Dianetics-approved Therapeutic Trust Spheres Sessions): 13.1%

(4: Bitching about what commercials we HATE: 0.3%

(For the record, Dave hates the CapitalOne Commercials with the Viking warriors trying to work regular jobs, while I currently loathe the Chrysler commercial with the little girl that tells her grandfather, Lee Iacocca, in her best grandpappy voice, "if you can find a better car, buy it!"...For me, I have come to despise this commercial based on (1: overplay (2: Jeff TV watching rule #2395678: "I HATE WHEN LITTLE KIDS, ESPECIALLY LITTLE GIRLS UNDER THE AGE OF 10, TRY TO ACT LIKE SOPHISTICATED GROWN-UPS"....I can't stand it....I just can't take it....uggghhh.. (the most horrific example of this since human recordkeeping began several thousands of years ago was the 4-year old Welch's grape juice girl who tried to act like a 30 year old woman..That just freaked me out.)

.......So.........................HERE WE ARE!.......Anyway, here is one of our funny trademark conversations we had during this month....In fact, this one happened yesterday, while we were watching Hurricane Rita coverage on the Weather Channel:

(the on-site hurricane reporter in Galveston, Texas, is wrapping up his report, decked out in heavy-duty raingear)

Dave: I wonder what exactly the job qualifications are for "the hurricane guy" on any news station...I guess they would have to be fearless and be willing to brave almost any situation.

Jeff: Yeah, they're probably required to be daredevil types, and I bet that during the job interview, they have to list on their resume all of the places they skydived and bungee jumped from -- and maybe even the distances too, so for example, if it came down to 2 equally qualified candidates, the person with the highest average bungee-jump distance would get the job.

Dave: Yeah, definitely......Also, an overlooked aspect of the hurricane guy is how he has to demonstratively "brave the elements", almost play it up in front of the camera, like when he gives his report, he has to yell while noticeably struggling against the wind. And the whole time, he has to emit an authoritative, newsworthy, but decidedly solemn facial expression, especially when he's signing off...

Jeff: Yeah! lol..And the way the sign off is handled between the newsroom and the hurricane guy is always the same, after the guy says his name, the newsroom shows a combination of macho respect, genuine concern for their colleague, and gloom when reflecting on the destruction of the storm.....the newsroom always says something like, "Keep the good work", or, "Hope you stay safe", or something..

Dave: Yeah!.... lol...it's always the same.....

Jeff: I also notice two more things...First, I would just like to point out that in the midst of this serious discussion, we have forgotten the obvious -- why aren't there any hurricane women? Why hasn't this been a hot button issue as of yet? Also, I'm surprised that news networks haven't sensationalized their hurricane coverage to maximize their ratings. I mean, they can't now because of the very real destruction and loss of life that happened with Katrina, but if Katrina DIDN'T happen, I think the goal of the hurricane reporter would be drastically different..

Dave: Right -- it would shift from reporting the damage caused by the hurricane to entertaining the viewers with a series of completely overblown stunts designed to convince us that the hurricane is UNBELIEABLY strong. For example...(lol)....yeah, it would be funny if the reporter was acting as if the wind was so ridiculously strong that in one moment, the camera would be knocked out of focus, and then when it came back on focus, the reporter was being blown into the distance in a similar manner to Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars Episode III when Anakin light-sabers him through the window! LOL..

Jeff: Yeah!...LOL....(laughter for 10 seconds)......I was thinking that the newsroom would actually try to convince us that the hurricane reporter was killed or was missing in action....for me, instead of the Samuel L. Jackson blow away, I was just thinking that the camera would be knocked to the ground, then when it was picked back up, it would show what appeared to be the hurricane guy being blown away log-roll position on the ground at a high speed....but it might be his clothes too...The newsroom would play along and call out the guy's name like, "John...no!! John!!!!! ahhhhh!!!!!"........then they would proceed with a sensationalized 10 minute piece on how their colleague, "may be missing....but it's hard to tell from this particular vantage point whether that was him, or just some stray clothes that appeared similar to his outfit"......It would be like this show where you would want to watch just to see if he would be found, and of course, he always is found and does reporting the next day....

(Both Dave and Jeff laugh)......

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Yes, we have strange, but highly imaginative, senses of humor....Part 2, a conversation with Chris, will follow this blog sometime....

SWIMFAN!!

OK, this one's a short post....Yesterday, I watched a movie -- but not just ANY ordinary movie.

No, this one is a bonafide cinematic CLASSIC....

The 60's had 2001: A Space Odyssey
The 70's had The Godfather
The 80's had Pee Wee's Big Adventure
The 90's had Pulp Fiction

and now...this decade has:

SWIMFAN

OK, here's a new little factoid about Jeff: I love teen movies involving psychotic girls chasing after guys, no matter how many people are killed in the process.

But what makes these movies even more fun is that you can ALWAYS immediately tell who the crazy girl is, just by looking at her face. She doesn't even have to say or do anything at all. Furthermore, you can always tell who the sweet, harmless girlfriend of the guy is, and you can always tell who the freaky person with all of the answers concerning the psycho girl's demonic past is.

To demonstrate, we will play a game! :-)

Below are 6 pictures....1 is a picture of the psychotic girl in the movie, another is a picture of the perfect, sweet girlfriend. However, INTERMIXED with these pictures are 3 others that do not belong!..

WHOEVER correctly identifies the psycho girl and the sweet harmless girlfriend will win a FREE SODA,courtesy of me!

Good luck! :-)

First Post In a Long, Long While....

...but that doesn't mean that there's nothing happening in my life -- Actually, I would prefer that very little actually happens in my social life, as that has become my equilibrium, dictated, of course, by my lifestyle as a computer geek/general geek.

But NO, my life has been completely insane over the last few weeks, dotted with entertaining and occasionally life-threatening weekends, light-hearted family tumult (the good kind), and extreme amounts of pizza (In fact, we are approaching the lethal dosage amount of pizza for humans, which is something like: L.D. 97 -- I am currently at L.D. 91, but there are signs of slow down, which is good, since this means I shall extend my life span)

OK...where in blazes do I start?......All righty, I'll start with a rundown of the life-changing events that have occurred in the last 2 weeks:

(1: My brother Dave has graduated from Harvard and acquired his PhD in chemistry, after 6 grueling years...congrats to Dave!

(2: My Mom's friend from Brazil, Idessi (sp?), visited for 1 month during most of August.....It was her visit to this country in many years, and she enjoyed it very much..

(3: I flew on a plane to North Carolina to attend a Jazz festival during Labor Day Weekend...Why is this life-changing? Because it was the very first time I ever flew on a plane.....I have a great story about that first take-off too :-)

(4: Last but certainly not least, out of nowhere, my brother Chris, who coincidentally came home from Vermont the same time as Dave, has announced that he is going to settle down with a girl named Elise in Seattle....Does this mean marriage for Chris??? Possibly, I'll find out as soon as I get some details -- such as Elise's last name, basic identity (which will enable me to identify her on the street, which is sorta important), and other essential contact information.

OK, I also had a full-weekend, which included violently intense mini-golf, a 7-mile Kayak run in the Pine Barrens (along with 2 extremely sore forearms), and a trip to the Met for some fine art yesterday, and 2 near-death incidents in a 5 minute time span, thanks to my friend Dan, the WORLD'S WORST DRIVER.

Yep.....I have LOTS to discuss......

OK, I think I'll start with my first flight in an airplane:

So I flew on an American Eagle jet from Newark Int'l....Being ridiculously prepared as usual (which is an essential part of the "Way of the Jeff"....yeah, I fully understand that getting to a place 1 hour in advance is quite possibly the LEAST sexiest thing a guy can do, but oh well, my ways are fixed, for better of for worse), I arrive 2 and a half hours before boarding time, and I am waiting in the terminal gate almost 2 hours before my plane actually arrived....I decided to purchase some Altoids, the curiously strong mints. I continue my daze/first flight anxiety for the remaining 90 minutes....All the while, I imagine that the plane will at least be somewhat spacious, with enough room for me to maneuver around if I so choose, with a food cart rolled up and down the aisle by a flight attendant....Then I imagine that if we crashed, we could become a real life cast of "Lost"....I then started looking around, trying to match each passenger with a character on the show..Amazingly, I was able to match many of the major characters (I nailed down "Kate", "Sahid", "Hurley", and "Sawyer" for sure....there was even an Oriental couple that didn't speak English!....Or, I should say, it APPEARED that they couldn't speak English...)

So basically, during this waiting period, I oscillated from thinking positively and confidently, and thinking negatively and about which character from Lost I would end up being (I concluded I would be a blonde-haired Charlie -- but with an altoid addiction, rather than a heroin addiction :-)) -- but there REALLY should be someone like me on Lost, it would make the show much more interesting, but realistically, I would be swallowed up by the invisible security system during my 2nd episode, or something like that....WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FATE WOULD BE READERS?

OK, so the plane arrives, and as I approach the plane, I am terrified to learn how tiny it is....no coach and 1st class sections, just 20 seats in what looks like the inside of a crammed schoolbus....I start to develop claustrophobic tendencies, but I try to stave that off by noticing where this potential real-life cast of "Lost" will sit on the plane....I sit next to Kate on my right and Sahid to my left. Sahid noticed that I have never flown before, as he observed my slight fidgeting and sweating. He says, "Do not worry -- I have flown many times before, you won't feel a thing"....his voice was very smooth and reassuring, so I managed to calm down considerably....he then started babbilng about a French woman, but I stopped paying attention by then :-)

So as our plane is preparing to take its position on the runway by backing up, an unknown object SUDDENLY CRASHES against somewhere on the right side of the plane!...The plane shook violently, and everyone yelled out, "What the hell was that??!!" ......Sahid then chuckled and said to me, "Heh heh......In all my years of flying, THAT'S NEVER happened to me before.".....

I responded by putting my hands against my face, and quietly eeping out:

"Oh my God, I'm going to die."

I then began to pray - to God, to Allah, to Yahweh, to Vishnu, to the Great Spirit, to the Trees, to the Mountains, to the Animal Spirits, to America, to Canada, to Mexico, to Homer Simpson, to WHOEVER!!!! for the next 5 minutes.....

...As it turned out, it was a very nice and comfortable flight....Of course, every time there was even a slight movement in the air, I clutched my hands against the seat...But my flight was made much more pleasant by the slightly flirtactious Kate, who turned out to be very cute as well (that's why she was "Kate" :-)) ....we had a nice little talk, and when we both realized we had different return flights to Newark, she even let out a cute little feminine "Aww...that's too bad"....Once again, I proved that I am the Don Juan of zero-probability romantic situations....Doh!

..Anyway, so I landed, which was SOO COOOL!!...and I went on my merry way to grab my luggage....End of story..

I have far more to tell on my blog over the next few days, STAY TUNED!